The Pastor’s Wife

I know many, many pastors could/would say as I will, "I was given the best pastor’s wife in the whole wide world." Well, for me that IS true.

Nancy Jane (DuBois) Carlson is her name and taking care of me is her game. The problem with being a pastor’s wife is that she is not only the silent partner, but also the sounding board and pastor’s shield for so many in the church.

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I like the words from a pen of someone else.

If the wives of Pastors had a Patron Saint, it should be John the Baptist —"He must increase while I decrease," (John 3:30). A pastor’s wife is always there, the silent partner. She shares her husband’s disappointments and joys - knows the apparent failures - feels the barbs and feels the happiness too; and steps quietly into the background as men applaud him.

It is not an easy role. In today’s society she would be called a 2nd class citizen! If she has talent and uses it, she is too "smart"; if she hides it, she is pretty "dumb". Her husband is often regarded as a "necessary evil". She is expected to be the perfect example. Her clothes may not be "expensive", but must be stylish and in good taste.

She is expected to smile and be cheerful even though her head may be aching and everyone else is complaining. She must accept criticism gracefully, and bite back any response. Her home is not her own, and ghosts of former Pastor’s wives are brought up at every meeting there. She is expected to cook, clean house, raise model children, be prepared to entertain at a moment’s notice and remain cool, calm and collected through it all. And though the phone rings constantly, she must answer each time pleasantly and courteously. She is the "unpaid servant" of the church and expected to fill every vacancy no one else wants. She cannot join a card club or plan an evening at the theatre, because it might cause "discord" in the parish. If she has babies at home, she is still expected to fulfill her "duty", though others may relinquish theirs for the same reason.

She is the keeper of the light and though the keepers of lighthouses do not launch many ships, they keep many a good ship from going to ruin. The light shines further than the keeper can see, and brightest when they cannot see it at all. Their main purpose is to keep the light burning and never to get between the light and the darkness it is supposed to lighten.

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My wife has developed these aspects in her ministry:

I would pass them on to all young pastor’s wives.....

Guard your marriage and family.
If you do not build in some protection, your congregation will consume nearly every moment of your day. Your husband will lose himself in his assignment if you do not intentionally carve out time to be together.

Use your best gifts most often.
Find an area of ministry that brings you purpose and joy.

Find a friend.
I know doing so takes time and energy, but make a friend who can share your journey in confidence and sincerity. You will find she is a gift from God.

One last...

(in my case....Nancy)

In the shadow of the parsonage

Stands a figure oft obscure.

Just behind the faithful pastor

Is his wife, devout and pure.

She is with him every moment

Helping make his work progress

And you can’t discount her portion

In the measure of success.

Oft behind the scene of action,

Often never seen or heard,

Yet she stands forever ready

Just to give a helping word.

It is not in active service

That her worth is really shown,

But in bearing heavy burdens

That to others are unknown.

With encouragement and vision

She must urge God’s servant on,

When the shadows are the darkest

And his courage almost gone.

With her home forever open

And her work quite never done,

She is ever his lieutenant

In the battles fought and won.

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Thank you, Nancy, for being my wife, partner and friend

Neal